The night my husband almost brought a hooker home for dinner.

Let's set the scene: It was Don's birthday, he was coming home from work at 6 and we were going to have a little birthday celebration.  He was very much looking forward to spending some quality time with his family.

However, he was running a little early, by about 15 minutes. Because he didn't want to mess up any plans that I had (For instance, if I was making dinner and it would be ready right at 6) he pulled over a few blocks from our house and was checking his messages and email on his phone for a few minutes. And that's when she knocked on his window.

"Did you stop to give me a ride?" She asked.

"Uh, nope. Sorry. Just checking my phone..." He replied.

"Oh." She paused. "Cause I thought you pulled over to give me a ride."

Now, my husband, as you might know, is one of the sweetest, most generous... and *naive* men you'll ever meet. Seriously.  So, of course, he offered to give her a ride. He felt  bad for her, you see, because she was not dressed for the cold weather. She didn't have a jacket on, and her skirt was pretty short, after all...

You see where I'm going with this, right?

She hopped in his truck, and off they went... to her hotel. On the way there, they chatted and he found out all about where she was from (out of state, but I forget where), where her family was, how she liked our city, etc. He offered her a whole box of brownies that he had in his truck when she said she was hungry. He almost offered to feed her dinner at his house, but didn't, because he didn't want to spring an extra dinner guest on me at the last minute.

They got to her hotel and he said goodbye. She paused for a moment and then said:

"So... do you want a date with me?"

"Oh, you're so nice to ask. But no, I have to get home to my wife. Because I'm married. But you're really nice. Thanks!"

"So... you don't want a date?" I'm sure she was very confused by now. This is probably not how many of her "dates" end.

"Nope! I've really got to get home. It's my birthday!"  And then he left her there.

When he told me the whole story, 10 minutes later, he was so pleased and flattered. By the time he got to the end, I was bent over with laughter and he was very confused at my reaction.

"Honey," I exclaimed. "You picked up a hooker!"

"No... No! She was just really nice..."

And that, my friends, is my favorite story of how sweet, generous, kind, and so very very naive my husband is.

I like to imagine that this woman, so astounded and befuddled by Don, decided to change her life, and became... I don't know, a librarian or something. Or that she was an undercover cop and the police have a really really funny story to tell now.

My Very Worst Date.

I was 18 and naive, he was 24 and a loser. What more can I say?

I met “Jack” through a friend. Jack asked me out and, coming from a religious culture that told young women never to turn down a guy for a date because it would “Hurt his feelings” I said yes, even though there was absolutely no interest on my part in going out with him. As a side note, it took me years to grow out of that conditioning, but eventually I decided that I didn’t always have to say yes to a date. This experience certainly helped me along that path.

I worked at a movie theater and got free popcorn, drinks, and movies. Jack decided that movies were the best date ever, so that’s what we did. And I had to drive... 24 year old Jack had never had a driver’s license because he “Just never got around to it.”  (This was his actual explanation to me.)

So, I picked him up from his mom’s house (he’d also never gotten around to moving out) and we headed to the movies where I worked. I got the tickets and we sat through the movie. I was very uncomfortable the whole time. Luckily, I drove him home and I thought that would be the end of that.

Did I mention I had no spine? And I thought turning down a guy for a date would hurt him? So, that would explain why I said yes to *five* more dates with him. And all five dates were at at the movie theater, where I got us in for free, and got free popcorn and drinks for him, and sat awkwardly in silence. I don’t mind a cheap date, as long as it’s interesting and fun. But going to the movies every time was not my idea of a good way to get to know someone. They were the most boring dates I’ve ever been on.

I was about at my breaking point when he asked me out again. He must have seen the doubt in my face when I asked “Well, what do you want to go do?” because he said “We’ll go on a picnic! I’ll have my mom pack us up a lunch. I know this great spot.”  

I said yes, I’m ashamed to say. I thought “Hey, at least we won’t be going to a movie. Maybe we can actually get to know each other. Maybe he’s not just boring.”

So, I arrived at his house on the anticipated day. I stood around awkwardly making chitchat with his mom for a few minutes, then he came in and said, with great gusto, “So, what movie do you want to go see?”

I can’t even remember what I said or did in the next few minutes. I probably just stood there, dumbfounded, for a while and shrugged my shoulders. The pit in my stomach was growing. There was no way I wanted to spend one more date at the movies with this guy. We got in my car and headed off to the theater. He suggested that we should eat before the movie started, so we went over to Blimpie, where I paid for a sandwich I had no stomach for. The whole time I was picking at my sandwich, I just kept trying to get up the courage to tell this guy that it wasn’t working for me.

Finally, he asked me if I was okay, probably seeing that I wasn’t eating anything. I really wish I’d had the guts to tell him what was really wrong, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t get out the words “I’m sick of dates where I get us into the movie for free, you big, stupid, mooch.”

Instead, I told him that I didn’t feel well. I took him home and then drove (all the way back across town) to my home. And then... I ignored all his calls for the next few months. I know, now, that this is a terrible way to “break up” with someone, but I really felt I had no other recourse.

I saw Jack about two years later, coming out of the same movie theaters with a group of his friends. I was getting into my car. He yelled across the parking lot. “Hey, you got a new car! Marry me!”

I just drove off without saying anything.